The Ultimate Freedom

It hurts so bad..

It hurts so bad, to know that when it rains it pours.. and there is usually a very good reason.

It hurts so bad to know that God is just trying to get my attention.
It hurts so bad to know that she is gone; soft, pretty, sweet, cuddly little Aurora.. my first dog of choice, first dog my husband and I ever picked out together and bought, first puppy I got to bring home to my children and family, and first time to lose a pet to death. I never thought it would hurt so bad.

It hurts so bad to know that it hurts so bad that she is gone because I have attatchment issues.. if I could've learned another way, I wish I would've.
I have a tendancy to see the grass greener on the other side. I got so use to adapting to unwanted change, that I started to create the idea in my head that I needed change, even when it wasn't intirely necessary.

Sometimes, there are very good, solid, factual, and even logical reasons for needing of even wanting change... but sometimes, the grass really IS NOT any greener on the other side.. in fact, it's just about as green, and possibly not mowed.

I'm learning the lesson God. I'm learning it loud and clear, and painfully.

It hurts so bad to have so much pain... so many wounds that go so deep that I didn't even realize how deep they were until a simple thing like losing my dog finally got my attention. Wow. Can you say BLIND?

There are so many reasons for me to be thankful, so many things for me to be happy about, so many people for me to love, and that I know love me in return...

There are also so many things to get done each day... I don't always realize how much each of us as a single person can really get done in ONE day just by habit.. and than you add the chaos of unexpected things coming up and that just really makes me realize how many minutes are in a single 24hr day!

I can't say my life has been horrible... I can say, that like everyone else in the world, there has been trial after trial. Some seasons seemed like a breeze, not much to complain about-- sunny days, lots of play, enjoying giggly babies and swimming in lakes.. chasing dogs, throwing frisbees, laughing until my jaw hurts so bad I have to hold my cheeks together to keep from even one more smile..
and other seasons seem like it never stops raining; and sometimes literally! Those are the seasons like this one.... where so much has gone on, there have been several uplifting and enjoyable moments inbetween it all, but it has been one heck of a ride this winter.. and truely, over the past several years.

I feel like every time I reach a high ground.. every time I am growing spiritually.. every time I am starting to understand where I have messed up..
THAT is the very moment where the ground falls from right underneath my feet. I'm just walking along and BOOM! a tornado hits and it hits every area of my life.

I know we have all experienced these feelings.. or at least I hope i'm not the only one.

It hurts so bad to have situations that go so much deeper than I can ever explain so another person.. things happen that I can't trust to share with others in order to protect my family.. and that creates such a barrier between me and the "outside" in a sense. And yet, I know my choice to leave things unsaid is the best decision because I know that is what God is telling me.. but wow, it really hurts. It hurts to be so close to so many, and at the same time so detached.

I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and I understand that God doesn't always allow us to get too comfortable because we are in constant need of character development. I'm understanding that more and more the older I get.
It hurts so bad to know that I am once again packing up to move. I'm leaving a house I love so much, and yet I'm leaving a situation that is not the healthiest.. so all-in-all it is the best choice.. but it hurts, so bad. In less than 4 years of marriage we have moved 5 times, this will be the 6th. I wanted to make this move so badly, the desire went so deep into my soul that I was practically screaming at God to get us OUT! And now, i'm sitting here, unable to stop bawling my eyes out.. because I do NOT want to leave this beautiful home. Our beautiful yard. Our sweet little puppy now burried in the back yard.. The first home our children have been raised together in. So many memories. And yet, I know i'll also be leaving behind a TON of unnecessary stress, and for that I am thankful.

But it hurts so bad, still, to not know for sure where we are going... to not know for sure what tomorrow brings financially or locationally as far as a home. I have been trusting God, praying every day and every moment that I have felt worried.. I do not want to give into that negative thinking-- and really, what is the point in worrying about tomorrow? Today has enough troubles of it's own.

I needed to process all of this, I feel better now.. well at least enough to stop crying and hopefully finally be able to fall asleep.

Lord, I don't want to lose site of you.. I don't want to lose things that I hold so dearly, but I know that you provide for our needs, and many times for our desires as well. Lord, I give these worries to you, I pray that you will cradle them in your arms and direct us where you know is best. Please help us to see through your eyes God, that we will know that you have something priceless in store. Thank you for your faithfulness, for your provision, for your love. There are days that I want to scream at you and blame you for everything bad in life... but there are moments like these when you help me to turn the mirror on myself and see where I have truely misled myself. Please forgive me, Father. You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.. and I know that as I follow you that you have promised multitudes of blessings. I love you beyond words, and i'm scared at the same time.. for all the uncertainties. So, again, Lord, I pray and ask for your security, for your fatherly arms to wrap around our home, each of us individually as we struggle to trust you, and to allow you the foothold in our lives. I'm yours, Lord God, please be mine and take hold of my heart and my life. Allow me to allow you to create peace where I create chaos.. to create beauty where I create a mess.. and to create love where I tear down all the pathways to happiness. Thank you for life, God, please help me to see the light and to keep my eyes upon you.

Forever yours

Sequal to "one of those seasons... ahhh"

So, maybe I wasn't really crazy last week.... the morning after I wrote that blog I found out that baby number 3 is on it's way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Just had to add that so my mom could stop BEGGING me to let her tell everyone! 

So, that's it for now folks, God bless your holidays!!!!!!!!!

one of THOSE seasons............ahhhh!!!

It's one those weeks (well, 2 weeks I guess) where so much has went on that I can't even figure out WHAT i'm stressed out about. So, i'm here at my "writing board" to process it all. Feel free to stop reading here, I am doing this more for me than anyone, but making it public just for those who need to know "YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! AND YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!" .... well, at least I hope those of us feeling as I do are not crazy, haha... maybe that is what is wrong. Just kidding.

<So just a little pre-breif to some of my sub-conscious worries and fears are that Kevin has not had any consistant work since before our daughter, Alahna was born. That was last JANUARY! He had one 6-week-job last spring before we took our trip to Alaska, and was called out for a short, 3-day job sometime in the summer... otherwise we were living off unemployment and some work my cousin offered him here and there. We weren't too worried because we have never gone more than 4 months without him being called out for a job --he works for the laborer's union-- so we didn't think about the possibility of actually running OUT of unemployment. Ha, well that happened about the end of October/beg. of November some time. I decided I would go to the WIC office to get a little assistance with food for the time being since we are a little needy and I knew we would be living off savings until he was/is called out again. That has helped some, especially with milk, and we are thankful. In addition this new found fear of mine, our brother, Charlie, (one of 2 that live with us) has been out of work as well and was unable to come up with the full amount of rent for this month. But anyways... here's the last 2 weeks to the best of my memory -haha>

Okay, so for Thanksgiving (also my 21st bday! woohoo!) We went out of town to Oregon to meet up with Kevin's parents at his grandparent's house. They are super nice people who I had never met before, it was a great trip overall..  lots of broken up sleep from sleeping in the same room as the kids, but really it wasn't as bad as it could have been. We left at 4am on Tuesday the 24th, arriving in Sheridan around 9am. We got to go see the Sproose Goose, that is the huge airplane that was built out of ALL wood... no metal parts what-so-ever. It was a fabulous trip, although I kept getting really dizzy and feeling very clastrophobig, not sure why. After that we went over to the Space Museum and looked around for a bit... I left early 'cause Kyran was getting EXTREMELY fussy, he was really tired. He fell asleep about 30 sec. (literally) after I buckled him in his carseat. Anyways, Thanksgiving/Birthday day was great; Kevin's grandma cooked an incredible meal that Alahna joined us in eating a ton of!! Friday morning Opa and Oma watched the kids while Kevin and I went on a little date, found some one item each that we were both wanting for a long time. That night we went out to a GREAT dinner and played pool at a little pub just so I could use my I.D.... haha, which happened to be expired as of my birthday the previous day, but the guy didn't notice and let us in. It was fun even though I have no accuracy when it comes to pool, I'm good sometimes and horrible other times. Oh well.

We left for home on Sunday the 30th and ran into all the weekend-after-Thanksgiving-TRAFFIC!! Not to mention that there were a couple HUGE accidents apparently. So, we decided to stop at my Aunt and Uncle's house in Olympia so that we didn't have to listen to the kids whine anymore, and could avoid the stop-and-go cars during the high-traffic time. We had a great visit so it was worth not arriving home until nearly 11pm!! :0) After we got the kids to bed we found out Kevin FINALLY got some work for the next morning, an odd-ball job for my cousin who owns his own business. I was so thankful to know he had at least a day or two of work, but was NOT looking forward to dealing with the clean-up from vacation without him there, especially unexpectedly.

So, Monday morning Kev was off for work, and because it was going to be such a long day and I had dance practice that night I had to find a babysitter... that part wasn't so bad 'cause my mom was available (Thank God)!! That morning I had to make sure to send the rent check out, and when collecting our brother's portions, came to find out one of them was short... almost the full amount. I know he is good for his word though and that he'll pay up as soon as he possibly can, but I think subconsciously this was the beginning of my "insanity." We covered both his portion and ours from our saving's money. Moving on--> I sent out the check, loaded up the kids for my mom's house to practice piano with my sister, Natalie for the upcoming Christmas performance and recital. Afterwards, I went home, fed the kids, did "whatever" and loaded the kids back up to my mom's to go to Dance. So I went to practice, then picked up the kiddos at my mom's and headed back home. Kevin STILL wasn't home, but his truck was there so I called him to find out he was down the road at a friend's house (which is totally fine) but I was bumbed 'cause I was looking forward to some alone time after we put the kids to bed. Anyways, it took me a while to get the kids ready for bed, I offered a ride to Kevin so that he didn't have to walk home in the rain, but he said no. Right before laying the kids down, he called me for a ride... I don't think he realized it was raining or something, I don't know... but, I was happy to go get him, just a little irritated that he didn't take up my offer when given. Oh well... moving on. It was so late by the time we got home and put the kids to sleep that we just went to bed.

Tuesday Kevin had another LONG work day, praise God, but tiring for wiped-out mommy :) ... He also got called from a Union company to start night shifts for Wed-Sat night..but, IN SEATTLE!! We were both so greatful and at the same time not looking forward to the long commute. We arranged plans for Kevin to stay at his Uncle's in Everette so he didn't have to drive so far everyday. But when he arrived on the job site he met a guy from around here who said he was making the commute and would drive him there and back every night. I was happy that I would get to see him a little, but I was not looking forward to having to be quiet during the day while he slept. So, I believe I did one load of laundry... even though I should have done about 5! I was so tired from vacation that I just didn't want to do anything... I swear sometimes we need a vacation from vacation when we get home!! haha. After doing the lunch routine, I layed down to sleep while the kids were napping 'cause I just wasn't feeling well (started to come down with a cold Mon. night). When we woke up, I remembered I had told my dad (whom I hadn't seen in almost 3 months) that we would come say hi that day so that is where we went. It was a nice visit, the kids really enjoyed playing there.. it was cute. We stopped by the store on the way home and used one of my WIC checks to get eggs, milk, and cheese (which we were out of!) We go through cheese like crazy. When I got up to the register the cashier said that I must have misread the check 'cause it only said 1lb of cheese, not 2lbs. So we got the right amount, but I was feeling so bumbed 'cause of how quickly we got through it I knew it wouldn't last for more than a day or two. Oh well, I knew that God always provides so I just trusted Him. The kids and I went home, afterwards, and actually spent a little time with Kevin after he got off work. Once they were both in bed, Kevin and I had decided we would watch a movie. But, he really wanted to take a shower because of working all day and feeling so grungy. I was feeling disappointed ('cause I didnt' want to get to bed too late and it was already almost 9pm and we still hadn't started the movie!) but it all worked out; we snuggled and watched the movie and I was in bed around 11pm or midnight. Kevin stayed up to re-work his sleep schedule so it would adjust to the change of the next 4days of nightshifts.  

Wednesday morning I went to the homeschool co-op from 9am-12pm... we practiced for the Christmas program for that Saturday. It went well, I think. I came home and put the kids down for naps, spent a short amount of time with Kevin who then went to sleep for the day. My friend, Andrea showed up around 1pm; She had been having a really stressful week with finals at school and just found out some news that she is very nervous about. I'm not at liberty to expose for now. I cleaned up the kitchen, nursed Alahna when she woke, etc. etc. while Andrea and I visited. A couple hours past and Kevin woke up to get ready for work, left, and shortly afterwards my good friend, Kolya, came over to meet up with me to go Christmas shopping. Andrea left at the same time as Kolya, the kids, and I did. We went to a couple of different stores and found some cool stuff for her boyfriend; I found one small thing for Kevin (we agreed on only spending like $20 on each other 'cause things are very tight financially with him having had no work for so long). Then we headed back home, Kolya left, and I finished up the night routine of feeding the kids, giving them drinks, nursing Alahna, and off to bed!! I stayed up for a while to unwined... I was feeling like I needed to just be alive, not moving, not talking, not thinking.. if that's possible. I believe I ended up staying up online for quite awhile.. just dinking around before finally wearing out and heading to bed.

Well, taking "me" time was important, it was not a smart idea the night before a busy day... with kids.
Thursday was my breaking day. Heidi had called me Wednesday night asking if I wanted to hang out with her the next morning and get some important stuff done... I agreed and was looking forward to it; I was also thinking it was a good reason to get out of the house so Kevin could sleep. The morning came around with Kyran bursting into my room shortly after 7! Which usually wouldn't be so bad, but not when I stayed up so late the night before. Oh well. Kevin got home from work, showered, and layed down to sleep for the day. Things were a little hectic getting ready; I didn't shower since Kevin had and I didn't know if there was any hot water left, and I really didn't have time. The kids were both really whiny, and I realized that there really was no breakfast food in the house. There were eggs, but no cheese; there was a couple of pieces of bread left and that seemed to be about it for breakfast foods, other than a little bit of cereal. I was feeling so frazzled and didn't take into consideration that my blood sugar was low from not feeding myself... so, in my frenzied mind, and crunched for time to meet Heidi, I (without thinking) handed my screaming children a piece of bread for breakfast! (What was I thinking? a PIECE of BREAD?) I didn't even think to toast it, butter it, jelly it, or anything else. I think I was just feeling so overwhelmed that I still needed to go grocery shopping, would have to dip into savings for that money as well... that I just kicked into some sort of survival mode. Not to mention that at that moment I hadn't realized that I had carpel-tunnel (sp?) in my left hand at was nearly in tears even when changing diapers, so I was avoiding cooking anything, I could barely even hold Alahna, let alone lift a cast-iron skillet. Everything I was doing was very out-of-character for me. 
Anyways, I got to the the Coffe place (where we planned to meet) about 10 minutes before Heidi arrived... As I pulled up, I realized how hungry I was and used money I shouldn't have used to buy myself a breakfast sandwhich. I started to scarf it down and my children immidiately began their practically non-stop screaming-at-mom session. I felt on the brim of tears, and started searching my car for some food for them. I found some gram-crackers (Thank you God!!) and that did the trick. But by the time Heidi arrived I was so out-of-sorts that I started to cry; she came to my window and peeked in at the kids as I told her what was going on and that they wouldn't stop crying-- and she said "Oh, Alahna was just hungry, look!" I felt so stupid because it finally clicked that all I had fead my growing baby was a peice of bread and then a gram-cracker and that another mom could look at the situation and just think "oh silly girl, it's so simple." I felt like a retard, seriously. Heidi told me that maybe I should call mom and see if she would watch my kids while we were out so I could have a little break. I didn't want to dump them on her but I knew that I needed it. I called her and the second I started talking to her I began my uncontrollable bawling session/panick attack or something. So, my wonderful mom said yes and I drove the kids up to her place.

When I arrived, I was STILL crying... well, heaving and bawling really. I started telling my mom everything that was going on and she immidiately started finding extra food around the house to give to me! (such a sweetheart)  It's so silly to me how God gives us wonderful friends and people who love us and yet, even when I was feeling the most frantic and worried, I forgot to trust in Him completely and turn to those who love me. Wow. To be honest, I never said anything because I knew/know there are so many others who are really starving in the world, people who don't even have a home to live in, and I just feel like a big whiner when I bring up my petty little issues that are nothing by comparison to them. But, sometimes, as I've learned, we/I just need to let go of my pride and trust in God's people, His plan, and His help.

So Heidi and I did eventually go out, after she and mom rescued me from my crazy anxiety attack (I seriously could not take a full breath in and out with out nearly throwing up from crying so hard). We had a nice time, and took care of some stuff that was really important for her, and I got to enjoy my niece without chasing my little ones. It was overall a great solution to a horrible beginning of the day. :0) I spent the remaining of the afternoon/evening at my mom's, ate dinner there as well, and after her convincing me to stay home from dance practice that night-- I finally brought the kids home and "relaxed." Andrea needed a little bit of emotional support and I had already canceled plans to do movies with Kolya and Andrew, so Andrea came over for a short while and brought a wrist cast for me as well! She didn't stay too late; I believe I actually went to bed BEFORE 10:30pm that night... GO ME!! ((that was for you, Sara, if you are reading ;) ))

Friday morning went much better.. despite the not-getting-a-much-needed-shower-because-we-lost-power part... hahahaha. Oh boy, the things I could get upset over... lol. So Kevin got home, and went to sleep. I loaded up the kids to go to the Foursquare church to help decorate for Christmas. (and oh yeah, the power came back on a the exact moment that I was shutting the door to leave... the humor in life ?? ) We had a good time between chasing kids around and hanging up wreaths and garland (sp?). But, by 2pm that afternoon I was absolutely exhausted and so were both of my children. Kyran also had a horrible rash from poop that I hadn't noticed... and I was out of wipes. So we went home and ALL 3 of us took AWESOME naps!! (Praise God!) That also gave me a small chunk of time to be sleeping at the same time as my husband, that was nice, just to know he was next to me even though we were both too tired to talk. He blessed me by getting up at taking care of Alahna before he had to leave for work, so I got to continue sleeping until 5 o'clock when he had to leave. I felt so refreshed for the first time in 2 weeks.. it was wonderful. Heidi came over that night 'cause we were going to have a game night but no one else could make it so we just watched a movie. But, that was nice 'cause it was just her and I most of the time and all of the kid were in bed during the movie.

Saturday was a very busy day. I woke up with the idea in mind to make some french toast with the french toast bread that my mom had given me Thursday, just to open the fridge and find out that in 3 days all the eggs were gone... NO FRENCH TOAST :( I started to get a little frustrated, but just decided there were worse things that could have happened, I was simply looking forward to that but it really wasn't a big deal. I made Cream-of-Wheat instead, but not nearly enough 'cause I didn't calculate how much Alahna eats now! oops! :( so I think we all had a little juice to go with it, that made-do. I then proceeded to get the kids' diapers changed and clothe them for the day when I realized that I was out of diapers... for BOTH children! I knew that I had no choice but to really go grocery shopping and diaper shopping so I called my mom and we worked it out to swap kids.. I took Kyran and Noah with me, while she kept Alahna so she could take a nap. I headed into Burlington, and as I was halfway there remembered that I hadn't cashed the check mom and Rich had given us on Thursday, so I wasn't going to be able to pay for the groceries... urrggh. I decided to drive into Mt. Vernon to cash it there, and went straight to Safeway to cash a WIC check. That went smoothly and we were on our way to Costco next. During all of this I had brought Heidi's wallet with me (she left it at my house the night before) and called her several times to try to drop it off wherever she was at... on my way home from Costco she finally called me back, BUT, that was seconds after I got off the phone with my mom while Kyran decided to pick up the bag with the eggs in it and dump them onto the backseat! 4 of them broke open. So by the time Heidi called me I was very short-fused, and totally DONE!!!!!!!!!!! I was very quick to get off the phone and ended up just dropping off her wallet at her workplace that I was just passing. I got home, left the boys in the car, while I cleaned up the egg mess (which wasn't as bad as it looked) and unloaded all of the groceries. That all went fairly well; I packed up all my showering supplies, clothing for myself and the kids, and drove back to my mom's house. When I opened the oven to cook the kids and I some corndogs, I forgot that my mom had already pre-heated it and I grabbed the wrack (to move it up) with my bare hands.. I don't know how it happened, but even though I felt the heat and pulled back, I do not have any marks to show for it... no burns at all! (God??) From there I took a shower, bathed both the kids, and got us all dressed for the Homeschool/Co-op Christmas Fiesta night. Kyran had been having horrible poopy diapers all day, back-to-back... 5-10 minutes after changing one, I would be laying him back down for another round.   So needless to say, by the time nap time rolled around he only slept about 25 minutes (after screaming himself to sleep) before waking up screaming because of yet another poopy diaper. I was so tired of changing him and so frustrated that he had such a short nap before such a big night, that I felt like crying again... but, I didn't. It all worked out and he was actually in a very decent mood the remainder of the evening. The performances all went so well, I messed up on one spot in the duet Natalie and I played on the piano, but over-all the kids were so great and SOO SOO cute!! Alahna was even pretty funny.. .she insisted on kissing Joseph (a 1 1/2 yr old) every time she saw him!! and he would kindly lend his cheek every time she opened her mouth! It was hilarious!! Naughty little girl! :)

So, Kevin had told me that day that he might have one more night of work on Sunday night, so I would need to find someone to help with the kids Sunday morning (I go to worship practice at 8:30am while Kevin usually stays home with the kids until time for service). I got lucky to find that my cousin Taylor wasn't busy and so she spent the night and was an awesome help this morning. She changed both of the kids' diapers and clothed them as well! What a blessing. When we arrived at the church, barely on time for practice, Carol (my friend and also the worship leader) asked where my keyboard was and I remembered that I had brought it home to practice the duet that Natalie and I had played the night before. So, I quickly hopped in my car and drove back home to pick it up. It was truely not a big hassle, just not what we were all expecting. I was feeling emotional again and was on the brim of tears during all of practice. When we finished, I got to the back room where Taylor and the kids were (in the nursery area) and they both immidiately started crying at the site of me... even though they were completely fine beforehand. So, luckily, I had actually thought to bring some oranges and Taylor and I worked together to feed those to them. They were still not very happy when I left for service time. But, they dealt, and it was a good break for me. I really got into worship, it was awesome. The carpel tunnel in my wrist had died away enough that I could play fairly well, without too much pain, so I felt very blessed. I'm so thankful that Andrea was able to lend me this wrist cast 'cause they are pretty expensive and not something I was looking forward to forking out money for. The Lord works in mysterious ways; not to mention the irony that she just happened to have the LEFT cast, which was just what I needed. Thank you, Lord.

Moving on... service was awesome! John was very on-cue, he usually is, and shared such an emotionally powered message. He was so real, so transparent, and hit so many key feelings that I have been battling lately. Towards the end I broke down, started praying and bawling for the millionth (is that a word?) time this week!! ahha.. but, it was good because I prayed so deeply and really feel like I got on a personal, spiritual level with my heavenly father. It was so amazing... I burst into speaking tongues, which I only experience once about 3 weeks ago, and it was so wierd 'cause I couldn't stop praying that way, and even though I couldn't tell you anything I said, I know what I prayed, and when I was done.. I was instantly done. I couldn't even make myself start again, my lips wouldn't move.. I have never felt something on that level of spirituality before. I didn't even know if I really believed in the gifts of speaking tongues until I did a few weeks back and happened to read a scripture about it that night while doing my devotions. Crazy. Wow.

Onto the next thing... although it was an amazing experience, I was feeling drained after service, so Taylor and I loaded up the kids and I dropped her off with her parents and headed to visit the homechurch (the church I attended for the past year and a half before being asked to play on the worship team at the foursquare church). It was so nice to see everyone after a month... and I was so blessed that both Kyran and Alahna fell asleep and stayed asleep in the car for the first 45 minutes that I was in the house. That was truely a blessing because pastor Jim had a great message that I believe God wanted me to hear. It was all based on how we act during a trial, and how we need to strive to reach out for Christ's wisdom and plan for us, and thank him for the opportunity of growth, instead of dragging along being depressed and thinking of all the negatives or asked him "why?" "why me?" over and over. Althought I knew and believe all these things, it was refreshing to hear and at such a perfect moment in my trial-filled week. After service Jim brought me folded napkin with $40 in it from a person/people who chose to remain annonymous.. but I couldn't believe it.. I didn't even know anyone there knew anything that was going on and I definitely wasn't going to bring it up when all the other families are much larger than ours. Who's to complain? ya know? But, apparently my mom had just asked for prayer for us that morning and I guess God must have propelled someone's heart to act on it. Thank you, again, Lord... how many thank you's is that now??

I had a wonderful visit with most everyone and felt very refreshed. I felt very nasseous (sp?) during communion, but got past that for the most part after eating a few apples. YUM. I think I was just having a low-blood-sugar spell again.  When we got in the car to leave, I began to pull out and noticed 2 grocery bags on the passenger floor that were filled with some food... fruit, advocadoes, bagels and cream cheese (my fave!), some cracker snacks for the kids, etc. And in the cup-holder was sitting a gift card to a local grocery store. I was so stunned I didn't even know what to think.. I do not think there were any tears left to cry or I probably would have broke down, again. I was so shocked not knowing anyone knew anything that I didn't know how to react. So I started praying and thanking God for his consistant grace when we persistantly cast our cares on Him. Thank you, Lord. Again. Again. and AGAIN.

So, that is mostly a wrap... I felt so inspired and thankful that when I got home I started cleaning up my kitchen and doing all the loads of laundry that desparately needed to be done!! ((I think I got so down that I forgot to keep up with those things that make life so much easier and less chaotic))

I also got a gap of time where Kevin and I were able to actually TALK for the first time in a week, so that was very nice. He left around 5pm for work and since then I have fed the kids, several times, (they are both going through growth spurts I think)... I was a little bumbed when I finally layed down on the couch to close my eyes and relax for a few minutes when a bunch of Charlie's friends and him showed up unexpectedly. But, after a short 10 or 15 minutes they all went upstairs.

So, thanks for letting me vent, and I'm wrapping this up before it gets any later. I had no idea this would take so long to write or that I had nearly this much to say! Wow!

Blessings to you all and I pray your holiday season is filled with joy and lots of laughter!!

God bless,

Brandi

ps- my prayer, for anyone reading, is that this is an encouragement... that even though it seems to be true that when it "rains it pours," God knows our hearts and when we are real with him he loves to bless us. Just as we feel towards our children God feels towards us- a perfect, selfless, unconditional love.

After reading my friend Rana's blog I realized that I need to re-cap on our children's lives... I haven't updated in a while and I agree, it is so important to cherish and write down some of the wonderful memories as they so quickly fade.

Kyran, already 26 months... I can't even believe it. He is finally starting to use his words rather than solely relying on signing. I love the sign language 'cause it really helps break that barrier of communication but it is nice to finally get some direct and quick answers. Today I was trying to get him to respond to me and say "yes mom" by shaking his head up and down (which is how it usually works), but he kept just staring at me and I couldn't figure out why... finally, I took a deep breath in, blew it out, and asked him again in a very serious, and loving tone, to answer me and he looked right at me and said "yesth" haha it was so cute, I could barely hear the "S" but it was definately what he was saying! He looked so proud and I was like wow, the things that brings smiles to my face these days, so simple. He also said "peez" while signing please. It was pretty cute.

He has become very, very rambunctious (sp?) lately, he can officially climb up and over the couch starting at the back and reaching up, flips his legs over and the rest of his body just sort of flops on to the cushions (sp?) <I don't know why I am having such a difficult time with spelling tonight>  Anyways, here's Kyran's funny for today: so sometimes we allow him to take all the pillows of the couch, pile them on the floor, and jump onto them... well, today, he thought he would do it by himself and took just one little decorative pillow, placed it on the ground just in front of the couch, and dove face first. The problem with this is that his body is MUCH larger than the little tiny pillow so only his knees and lower half of his legs actually hit the pillow, his face on the other hand took a wonderful hit to the hardwood floor! He laid there for a minute with a very confused look on his face, got up, let out a little wine and said "ouch!" holding his lips!! haha it was so funny, we all started laughing which instantly removed any of the pain 'cause he realized he was the center of attention which is always great for a child right??? haha

Alahna is almost 10 months now! It is crazy, I so vividly remember the moment she was born, as if it was just a few weeks ago. I run it over in my mind many times, and tears usually brim at my eyes. It is such an indescribable experience to give birth to something so precious, to go through so many months of wondering and dreaming about your baby... so much sickness and feeling so uncomfortable as the day draws nearer. And then, hours of labor finally come, excitement and fear all swell into a lump in your already taken-over body... the urge to push FINALLY comes and after feeling like dying and as if the pain will never end, the baby finally births... such a powerful and emotional moment, I always cry... and with her I actually got to pull her up into my arms, stare at her perfectly formed body... her tiny little toes and fingers, all in place. Her little duck-lips forming into her first cry. Such pink skin. And now... 10 months later, she is so wiry and such a fiesty little being. She has really been drawing closer to her daddy, too... Kevin's favorite thing to get her to do is go back and forth between saying "hi!!" and "ooh" (the latter being his most favorite 'cause she gets a very highpitched tone and forms her little lips into the cutest O shape and pushes them forward.

She is such a great eater, but she is definately mama's baby girl.. she is very petite. Tonight she ate some of my chicken from our chicken-quasadilla dinner. She eats solid food so well for only having two teeth! She does NOT like signing for her food at all... she is much more difficult than Kyran in that aspect, but we are doing are best to teach her despite the reoccuring fight. 

Kevin has not had any work lately so he has been home with us. There are obvious pros and cons to that, but we are doing are best to focus on savoring the quality time and praying for work to come his way. Our daily routine isn't as structured as when I am the only one home with the kids, but it usually goes something like this:

8:00am-  Wake up, nurse Alahna while Kyran drinks a sippy cup of milk 

9:00am- we are usually either eating or already finished with breakfast, we are pretty consistant about making either eggs, sausage, & cheese, or making french toast, waffles, or pancakes.

by 10 or 11am- usually first nap time for Alahna, Kyran plays or we read some books to him, partly for quality time, and partly to help build his vocabulary, imagination, and encourage "down-time"
I try to do some laundry during this time as well, and straighten up the house

between 12pm- 12:30pm- Alahna wakes, we all eat some lunch. Kevin and I try to plan either grocery shopping or errand-running time during this block before Kyran's naptime. Sometimes we take them to the park, or the little play area in the mall for Kyran to get some energy out and have some socialization.

2pm- Kyran AND Alahna's naptime. Kevin and I (if he is home) either clean up, rest, do some sort of devos or read a book.. just kinda relax and re-energize while the kids are sleeping. I'll sometime take a nap too, or plan out what I am going to use for the Spanish lesson for Wed.'s co-ops.

4pm-6pm- depending on what time the kids wake up we'll often rough up a plan for dinner. We often eat with our neighbors (a young couple we met a few months back when they moved in right behind us)

The rest of the evening is very open. We spend some time, almost every night, rough-housing with Kyran, he REALLY values that time, especially with Kevin, but he does usually light up when I get it on the scene. Sometimes we'll try to have a couple over for dinner, or go out and do something.

By 8:00pm it is bedtime for the kids, this is pretty regular. They are finally both sleeping in the same room and doing very well to my surprise!! :) I am very happy about that! For a while there Alahna was sleeping in the Utility room to avoid waking each other up too early in the morning.

Kevin and I veg-out... watch a movie, read, or once in a while I go on a run or something.

OUR WEEK:
Mon. nights I have my Jazz class which is really fun for me.

Tues. is my only completely open day

Wed. is co-op, which is going really well despite having to get Kyran down for his nap early enough to get out by 2 in the afternoon.

Thurs. nights I have worship practice and hip-hop dance class back-to-back... this is a really nice, big break for me and Kevin has been sooooo awesome handling the kids during this time. He is such a trooper. I feel so blessed to be able to have these opportunities and actually get to take them with his support.

Fri. we sometimes have people over for dinner/movie, or go bowling with a group of friends. We really like to get out of the house and have some true "FUN" time... laugh, smile, let go a little.

Sat. Kevin and Jared (our neighbor) have been going duck-hunting in the early morning, it's great weather for it right now.

Sun. we attend church, hang out afterwards to visit for a while, and then sometimes i'll head over to the home church and visit there, too since that is an all-day event.

Kevin will be starting up rec. basketball in Dec. so then we'll be pretty crammed but I think it is so important to support each other in having our little peice of free-time once in a while. I know some seasons it will not be reasonable but it is working for now and I feel so blessed, I'm savoring every minute of it. Thanksgiving week Kevin and I are taking a trip to Oregon to meet up with his parents who are flying down from Alaska to meet us at his grandparents for the holiday. My birthday happens to land on Thanksgiving Day so that should be fun to be somewhere different and celebrating in a different setting. I'm really looking forward to taking a drive to the coast, I don't think I have seen it since I was a little girl (if ever) and I do not remember it at all but always hear how gorgeous it is! The wonders of God's creation continue to blow my mind.

EXCITING NEWS: Last night our neighbors had a little baby boy! Kayla invited me to be at the birth. It was so wonderful! He is such a cute little baby... which is saying something since I tend to think newborns are a little goofy looking!!  haha. She called me at 1:30am saying she was having pretty painful contractions. 5 minutes later I heard their car pulling out of the driveway. She was at 2cm and 90% effaced when they arrived at the hospital, and at 3:30am Jared called to tell me that she was dialated to 4 1/2 cm. I then headed over there, arriving right when the anesthetic doctor came in to give her the epideral. (silly me, I tried to convince her she didn't need it... ) but 20 minutes later it was done and only 20min or so after that they checked her to find out she was already at a 9, almost 10cm!!! Problem being that her delivery doctor hadn't even been called yet 'cause they didnt' expect it to go so fast. Next thing we knew, her water bag was literally HANGING outside of her, as if the baby's head had pushed so far down through the opening that the bag was pushed out! It was so incredible to see... it looked like a water-balloon, seriously! She started to have the urge to push, but the nurses told her to wait if she could 'cause we were still waiting on the doctor. Anyways, he finally came and broke her water... she did about 5 sets of 3 pushes each and with the last one she didn't even have to push 'cause he just came out!! Kayla and I both started crying!! (happy tears of course!!) It was a little scarey 'cause the cord was so tight around his neck that the doctor couldn't quite get enough budge to pull it over so he had to quickly clamp and cut the cord :( however- everything turned out fine, Kayla got to hold him for a minute before they had to take him to warm him up and make sure he was warm enough and vitals were all correct and appearing healthy. Everything turned out great, it was such an awesome experience! The more I am around pregnancy, and babies, the more I realize how much I love birth! As a little girl, and even into my teen years I would nearly faint if someone even mentioned the words "Blood" or "Veins".... but now, after witnessing 3 births, and giving birth twice myself, I think I have WELL over-conquered any fear. In fact, it's taken a 180 degree turn! I love it! I would love to be a Doula just so I could care for the pregnant mother and witness the beauty of thousands of births. Wow. Anyways, enough about me.. their baby boy was named Darrick Carson-Thomas Bradfield, born at 5:30am on 11/11/08. He weighed in at 7lbs 5oz and 20 inches long. He has brownish hair, for now, and is so sweet, he looks very much like his daddy already! :0)

Well, that is all for now in the life of the Grenier family! 

God bless and many sweet moments are wished upon you all during the holidays!